*NO, I am NOT making fun of the Bible. I’m trying to cope with the multiple issues that I have and one of the ways that I do that is through humor. Learn to take a joke!*
- You shall not wee or shit yourself in a social setting because, for most people, it can be upsetting, and punishable by severe embarrassment.
- You shall not go without your braces, whether for your patellas, appendages of the hand or for the joint betwixt your lower leg and foot. Neglecting to do so will result in the inability to walk.
- You shall not scream obscenities during or after taking a tumble. You may only scream nonsensical words such as (but not limited to): fish paste, fish sticks, or barnacles. Should you choose to ignore this rule, your father will look at you sternly, mumbling how unladylike cursing is
- You shall not eat chocolate, for it is punishable by severe intestinal cramping and constipation.
- You shall not eat foods with lactose, gluten, or any product created by man for this is punishable by unpredictable releases of gas, oftentimes in public.
- You shall not drink anything other than water, decaffeinated green tea, low-calorie Gatorade, or ginger ale, lest you desire unpredictable releases of gas, still oftentimes in public, or the very high risk of looking 6 months with child until having a successful bowel movement.
- You shall not go more than a day without brushing your locks, for your brush will remove a large amount of hair, which will always freak you out and make you think that you’re dying.
- You shall not go out unless you’ve packed your chronically ill bitch supplies, usually consisting of catheters, sanitized wipes, gloves, bladder pads, pads, extra underwear, and pants. Should you choose not to pack such utilities, you face the very real possibility that you could lose control of your bladder and bowels, which is frequently embarrassing, not to mention quite smelly.
- You shall not be without a cane, wheelchair, or walker, lest you prefer crawling on the floor (if your legs even work!)
- You shall never not have a sense of humor unless you want to be a depressing sack of shit who nobody wants to be around.
That came out a tad bit preachy, RIP. I hope that you enjoyed this – I’ve been kind of stuck in a rut recently and I needed to write something humorous.
I’m sending all of my love and positive vibes.